I've been biting my nails for as long as I can remember.
Nail biter, that's what they would call me.
I have often thought people probably judge me because of my short, uneven, unkempt nails. I have always admired women and men who keep their nails so well manicured and clean.
I have read so many posts on nail biting and how nail biters are perfectionists and you should love a nail biter for this.
But, I don't love myself. I often hate myself. I hate who I am. I am grateful for my life, but I am often in such deep, dark fog that I can never see beyond these immediate feelings and emotions.
I have high anxiety and severe depression. I am what most people would call a high functioning.
On a regular day, no one would ever know of my mental health issues. In fact, there have been times I have opened up to co-workers or new acquaintances and they are absolutely gobsmacked when I tell them I have depression. They don't understand.
"But you're so happy all the time and you always have so much energy"
How do I explain the deep, dark void I tumble into every single day? How do I tell people that I have to talk myself into doing everything.
I think a lot of people who have mental health issues are the best actors out there. Everyday you are pretending to be someone you might not feel like you truly are.
Am I happy all the time? No.
On every single given day this is my thought process:
Something bad is going to happen today. What if they fire me? What if I don't make it to work on time. Maybe they will realize that I'm a phony and ask me to leave. I'm not smart enough. Maybe everyone will realize how stupid I am. I don't know if anyone actually loves me or if they are pretending just to be nice. I am such a burden. I don't know if my friends actually care about me. People probably think I'm so fat and ugly. I'm such a disappointment. I'm the worst wife, I'm the worst daughter, I'm the worst sister, I'm the worst friend. I should die. People would be happier without me in their life. I wish I didn't exist. The world would be better without me.
This is the thought process that I have almost every single minute during my day.
To cope, I bite my nails. On some days, I try my best not to give in. I try to cope some other way. But nail biting is such an old comforting memory. It is my own.
Next time when you see someone with not so perfect nails, please don't judge. Just listen, with an open mind and with kindness. It could change the trajectory of someone's day completely and it would make a world of a difference.
Nail biter, that's what they would call me.
I have often thought people probably judge me because of my short, uneven, unkempt nails. I have always admired women and men who keep their nails so well manicured and clean.
I have read so many posts on nail biting and how nail biters are perfectionists and you should love a nail biter for this.
But, I don't love myself. I often hate myself. I hate who I am. I am grateful for my life, but I am often in such deep, dark fog that I can never see beyond these immediate feelings and emotions.
I have high anxiety and severe depression. I am what most people would call a high functioning.
On a regular day, no one would ever know of my mental health issues. In fact, there have been times I have opened up to co-workers or new acquaintances and they are absolutely gobsmacked when I tell them I have depression. They don't understand.
"But you're so happy all the time and you always have so much energy"
How do I explain the deep, dark void I tumble into every single day? How do I tell people that I have to talk myself into doing everything.
I think a lot of people who have mental health issues are the best actors out there. Everyday you are pretending to be someone you might not feel like you truly are.
Am I happy all the time? No.
On every single given day this is my thought process:
Something bad is going to happen today. What if they fire me? What if I don't make it to work on time. Maybe they will realize that I'm a phony and ask me to leave. I'm not smart enough. Maybe everyone will realize how stupid I am. I don't know if anyone actually loves me or if they are pretending just to be nice. I am such a burden. I don't know if my friends actually care about me. People probably think I'm so fat and ugly. I'm such a disappointment. I'm the worst wife, I'm the worst daughter, I'm the worst sister, I'm the worst friend. I should die. People would be happier without me in their life. I wish I didn't exist. The world would be better without me.
This is the thought process that I have almost every single minute during my day.
To cope, I bite my nails. On some days, I try my best not to give in. I try to cope some other way. But nail biting is such an old comforting memory. It is my own.
Next time when you see someone with not so perfect nails, please don't judge. Just listen, with an open mind and with kindness. It could change the trajectory of someone's day completely and it would make a world of a difference.
