For a very very long time, I felt
like I was in a fog. Sadness just picked away at me and I constantly felt
useless and inadequate. This feeling never went away and it got worse over
time. To cope, I would often self-harm. I was lucky that no one noticed the cuts or the scars, and there were times where I reached out to people but they could never help
me. I definitely did think I had depression but I also thought that I was lazy(something that was often said to me) and probably making a mountain out of a molehill.
When I was in my 3rd year
of university, my uncle passed away very unexpectedly in an accident. He was
26, just a year older than my brother. I was devastated. It shattered me. I had never
experienced such loss in my life and I was finding it really hard to deal with
the grief. My mom and my aunt were huge sources of help and support during this
time. We were going through similar emotions and felt so betrayed by life.
During my last year of university, I busied myself enough so I wouldn’t have to
think about my feelings, I didn’t want to let myself be sad. I filled up every
single hour of every day with things to do and it worked for a while. All that
came to a crashing halt about 2 months later. I started experiencing the very
classic signs of depression: change in sleep, change in appetite, body pains, lack of interest in anything or anyone, lack of
energy, it would take me hours to read something that would have taken me 10
minutes and I was also very suicidal. I started cutting myself a lot; a lot
more than before and I was starting to get really worried. My friends
encouraged me to talk to someone about these feelings and I had been seeing a counselor on
and off for a little while, so I made an appointment.
When I told my counselor the
different things that I had been experiencing, she told me,
“I think you’ve had depression your
entire life, but you’ve just been able to manage it really well.”
Depression
That was the word she had used. I cried uncontrollably for about 15 minutes after that. I felt such a huge sense of relief. A giant weight had been lifted and I
could now say the word I had never said before. Depression. Depression.
Depression. I had to repeat it over and over again to know it was true. Everything had started to make sense now: why I didn't eat after three days when I got a bad mark on a test, why some comments people would make would hit me like a brick wall, why I always felt the need to punish myself and why I never understood any of it. I was
referred to a doctor and went on medication while continuing therapy. It was
scary and it is still scary to think about today, but it helped and is an ongoing process.
I have learnt that my depression will
always stay with me. There are times when I feel great, amazing in fact and I
don't even think about the sadness. There are other times when I am engulfed in
a world of pain and I have learnt to be kind to myself through it. I have a
bunch of people in my life who continually help me and whose love is a huge
sense of support for me when I am down. I am so grateful for them, for their
unending belief in me and for always reminding me of the good things.
If you feel like you are walking through a fog, if you are experiencing
an inexplicable amount of sadness, please reach out. Please know that there are
other people who are experiencing the same things and that you are not alone.
Find someone to talk to, you are worth it and you mean more than
you could ever imagine.
REACH OUT! Pick up the phone, join a chat group, call a helpline, text a friend.
Is it difficult? Yes.
Is it scary? Yes.
Can it help? YES! YES! YES!
Sending you all lots of love,
Aishwariya
P.S.- My very brave hubby wrote a brilliant and beautiful post (http://anthonyteles.com/depression/) on his blog about his experiences with Depression. He is someone who always inspires me and it should come as no surprise that he has inspired this post as well. Thank you Anthony, for being so open and courageous with your experiences, and thank you for always holding me, whether it is in moments of light or darkness.
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